Love or material value? Survival transactions

A couple embracing each other in the water

By Sizwe Mthethwa

A lot of people may call me a pessimist after reading this, but I endeavour with this piece at the risk of sounding like a walking broken heart. I know what most of you are thinking, “Another self-proclaimed relationship guru”; on the contrary, the love I speak of here is not only a romantic one but a biological, material or friendly one.

My mother used to say “There are two kinds of people, those raised on love and those raised on survival”. She would then continue to lecture me about the differences, which was very annoying then (Haha) but I sorely miss it now. In retrospect, I see what she was trying to say; although I had to learn the hard way nonetheless, I’m learning.

I refer to my mother first in this regard because she is my first introduction to affection, a maternal kind of love and my lifelong reference.

I think it is quite pivotal the kind of love you receive as a child because it shapes your outlook on love in general; it also manages your expectations of it as you grow older. With that said I would like to get to the burning question, love or material value? By this I mean, how does one discern if they truly love someone or if they are truly loved by someone, be it romantically, biologically or otherwise?

I have a motto I like to live by; it goes “true love is free”. Free means no charge, at no cost, no condition or complaint! I derived this from observing my mother’s actions towards me. A lot of us can learn a lot from observation because humans lie, but actions are always louder than words.

Making my point, I will say I believe a lot of us sustain relationships with people we love using material value. This is why the less you have to offer, the less love you will feel. Value is defined as how much something is worth monetarily or by importance and I’m saying most of us have placed the importance on what someone can offer, which I am not saying is wrong but that is not love; that is a survival transaction. By definition, love is an intense feeling of deep affection; and a survival transaction is about using the other’s resources to stay afloat.

Although very prominent in romantic relationships, this can extend to family relationships as well. A relative is loved based on what he/she can offer in the material. So there is very little value in love in the society we live in. However, this is not an article about right or wrong, it is a piece about perspective. Simply put, I believe true love has become the rarest commodity on earth; even more rare than Gold or Diamonds.

If we could mine true love, it would be the highest-selling mineral and would probably be found in the depths of the earth where only the bravest can go.

Going back to my mother’s statement, I not only think she was right, but I also think she might have predicted the future. A lot of relationships today are non-existent; just two people or family members/siblings/friends in a survival transaction. This is mainly because a lot of us today were raised on survival and not love.

As soon as an individual is forced to choose between the love they have for another or the ‘survival transaction’, you see someone for who they truly are. Whether brother, sister, lover or friend, if their love is not true it will always pivot on what you can offer in material. Once you have nothing to offer, that so-called love will falter and eventually break. Statistically speaking, I believe 8/10 (80%) of people are in survival transactions.

The effects and kinds of abuse that arise from these ‘survival transactions’ are worthy of another article on their own. In conclusion, I would say the brand of love I believed in is very rare if it still exists and I pity those who do not know an unconditional type of love and the emotional security it brings; A love with no ill intentions even in conflict.